Quokkas Cricket Club

I distrust a man that says “when”. If he’s got to be careful not to drink too much, it’s because he’s not to be trusted when he does.

Those familiar with The Maltese Falcon, will know it is a film noir about a detective dealing with unscrupulous adventurers seeking a jewel encrusted falcon statuette that was offered as a tribute to the emperor, but lost to pirates. Look a little deeper and the movie is about corruption and greed, with the falcon symbolising Sam Spade’s quest for the truth. I am not sure the Quokkas touring party contains too many unscrupulous members, but we certainly seek the truth on every trip. The truth as to who can survive on the least amount of sleep, who can consume their own bodyweight in beer and calamari, and who can force themselves to play two games of cricket in 30-degree heat when lazing by the pool seems a damn sight more appealing.

Croxley Guild CC 164-9 (Dave 4-35, Irfan 3-6) beat The Birmingham Quokkas CC 154 all out (Hurreira 50, Rashid 25, Faggie 23)

The great Oasis ticket frenzy passed me by. I saw them at the Hull Adelphi back in ‘94. It cost me £4. £12, actually, as Prof and Skip were dragged along. Seeing Liam lauding above the rest of the world from a 12-inch-high stage about three feet away from me was a brilliant experience. He walked off stage half-way through an eight-minute version of `I am the Walrus’, which is exactly the too-cool-for-school front man presence I’d been waiting for since the Roses went on their hiatus. Once the rest of the world caught up, as they did with Blur and The Verve, I gave them a swerve.

Quokkas CC - 204/5 (Sohail 66 n/o, Ali 53, Fergus 35) beat Merstham CC - 201/8 (Seagull 1-8, Faggie 1-10)

Our antipodean representation at Merstham CC hit a season high when regular Faggie was joined by Conan the bow tie killer and debutant Kiwi, Fergus, soon to be known as Todd. I am delighted, because this gives me an excuse to recite this absolutely brilliant yarn read out by the presenters of evening radio show on The Rock FM:

Salix 137-2 (Faggie 2-36) beat Quokkas 134 all out (Rachid 35, Egg 10no)

In between watching Youtube videos of vintage tractors being maintained, I spent a small part of my winter learning how to butcher a rabbit. Why? We’ll it’s a good thing to know should my plane ever crash and I find myself stranded on an desert island or indeed I have just decided to do a `Christopher McCandless ’ and leave you all behind for good. Mrs Seagull looked at me like I had gone mad. But as I said to her, we should all understand where our burgers come from and maybe even to have butchered the animal (at least once) before we get to eat that kind of meat.

Quokkas CC 181-9 (Rashid 53, Sohail 44, Josh 27) lost to Whalers CC 227 all out (Harry 3-26, Sohail 2-42, Evil 2-50, Rashid 1-8)

I’m almost 50 years of age. Reaching 50 FFS. How on earth did that happen?

It seems like five minutes ago I was watching athletes three times my age competing in the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics and now, out of know where, I’m three times the age of the athletes that I will be watching in Paris 2024. Having enjoyed cheering on the Iranian Roman Grecko wrestlers during London 2012, we’re doing the same in Paris, with the added fun of archery, handball, basketball, table tennis, badminton and swimming. I, like most of you, have almost no interest in these sports normally, but the Olympics somehow manages to draw you in. I draw the line at breakdancing though. If watching those guys doesn’t make you feel old, nothing will.